Tag Archives: stories

Introducing Saf and Dobra: On a love-hate relationship with Türkiye

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Sometimes I feel like this troupe of explorers when I am observing my husband struggle with his clearly conflicting emotions about his country of origin (image thanks to U Wisconsin Alumni at this link)

Today I met two new puppets, Saf and Dobra.  Saf is an idealist, myopic in her micro moment, focused on her love of her homeland.  Dobra, on the other hand, is more like Karagoz- an outspoken agent provocateur who stands up loudly and proudly when it comes to what her homeland can include and/or does horribly.  This is the story of why I think they showed up today.

“In Turkey, human life has no value.”

Of course, this is not a blanket statement, as I see it.  But, I have been hearing M. say this more and more recently.

And it alarms me.  It is not the only way he feels about Turkey, of course, but it alarms me.

It seems to come from some deep place.

Most recently, it has related to the deaths of young Kurdish smugglers and Turkish military conscripts alike – but has also related to what we believe is the indiscriminate use and/or testing of major psychotropic medications (and the concomitant major side effects that last forever) on young people without any regulation whatsoever.

But it is more than that too.  It relates to family expectations, cultural traditions and the dark (in the metaphorical sense) underbelly of Turkish ways that are about things more subtle and less obscene than what we often hear about or talk about here at slowly-by-slowly re: M.’s country of birth.  Those topics generally include culture-driven ways of relating, the incessant red tape of everyday life, the embrace of U.S. values and products that lead to a recherche du temps perdu and on a more positive note, more enduring cultural traditions that are not very controversial.

This is a different reality than what I will classify as the mixed feelings of malaise that some Turkish American expats (and indeed some Turks in Turkey) I know feel in response to what is widely viewed as the AKP (current ruling party) intentions to move from a Kemalist-style secularism towards a lifestyle such as that lived in the Islamic Republic of Iran.  Those other, deeper, darker and more terrible things, such as the fear about the end of true secularism, are generally grouped as follows, in no particular order:  decreasing identity of the nation as a secular state due to incrementalism on the part of the AKP, so called “honor killings” of young women in relation to sexual activity and/or sexual assault, debates about whether the Armenian genocide should be named as such or just what it was that leads people to debate the use of that term in the first place, debates about whether the treatment of Kurdish people can be classified as ethnic (and other) oppression or not and the prevalence of intimate partner violence – especially violence against women in Turkey.   Without getting more specific, as I am afraid the  Turkish censors will be after me and my readers will run like scared fish into a bait ball, suffice it to say that M. has mixed love-hate feelings about his country of origin as well as this, his country of choice.  It seems more than fair – and obvious – to say that we could make a quite similar list about the United States – and this is the subject of much discussion in our home. By now, Dobra is jumping up and down, yelling at me to make a post each about each of these things I have mentioned – just to watch my language so the censors don’t get me so that I can keep using my voice.

No large nation-place is ideal.  Sometimes I think that Saf is ingenue-puppet who longs for an idealized Turkish quiet life in Anatolia.  While I know more about reality than that ingenue-puppet, who came to introduce herself to me today (her name means naive, pure, clean, etc.), she is still a part of the puppet troupe that is helping me figure out this aspect of my cross-cultural roadtrip called this Turkish-American marriage.  She tells me, “take care, m’lady, not to write about these deep dark things, they will give people the wrong idea of Türkiye .”

English: Map of the number of Turkish people i...

All my life I have sought out a different type of life with what at times might be referred to as a vengeance.  I have tried to learn and grow my brain beyond the myopia that is rampant in the U.S. My career is central to this effort.  Now, here I am with a very different partner who is also a Turkish American – and I find that he has very strong negative feelings about his home country that range in the love-sad-hate-love spectrum depending on the topic.  This has challenged me a lot and made me more of a critical thinker.  I am not quite clear enough to write more on it, but wanted to plant these first seeds now, since Saf came to introduce herself, shyly, today and as Dobra blew in like a hurricane, to yell her introductions from across the room.

Today, they named themselves, at least, so that is a start.  So, while Saf will continue to wax lyrical about all things Türkiye that have come into her life, we’ll see how Dobra manages this.

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The Karagöz puppets (and I) review The Globalization of Love

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A stylized image of the globalization of love - if only the world were so...(image thanks to this website)

Today, I woke up and the puppets were waiting for me, çay bardağı (tea glass) at the ready just as sugary and lemony as I have learned to like it, to tell me the news.  “M’lady,” they said, “you have a name, you and M, that is.”  Knowing that if the day was starting like this, I was in for a long one, I chugged the çay, and readied myself for the news.

Kenne, the Queen of manners, spearheaded the naming effort the second I finished my çay.  She is, you see, very interested in everything having its place and/or its name.  “Now you need to spend the day reading this book, M’lady,” Kenne began, “because it talks about cross-cultural couples, and this lady, Wendy Williams, who wrote the book, she is in a cross-cultural marriage – but most importantly, you see, she interviewed lots of what she calls “glo-lo” couples to talk about the joys and challenges they face as a result of being part of a cross-cultural couple. And she summarizes it all.”

At this moment, the puppets, who had rigged up a complicated mechanism over the bed to drop Ms. Williams’ book into my hands for a read let their masterpiece fly – and the book dropped, picture-perfect, into my hands.  Complying with the puppet troupe’s demand to engage in a readathon, I read until I learned that “Glo-lo” is shorthand for the globalizationof love.  This is a new term coined, as far as I can tell, by the new author, Wendy Williams, who has written the book pictured to the left.  “OK, puppets, I see, In many ways, this blog I keep is, well, a “glo-lo” blog. So, I guess you could call us a glo-lo couple, but let me see what I think about this book.”

English: Book cover of "The Globalisation...

Later in the day, I read the rest of the book, and the puppets even left me alone for the whole time I was reading as they seemed to intuit that this was an important issue to read about here in this globalization-infused home (for better and for worse).  As Ms. Williams puts it “…one of the most profound effects on globalisation is that people from everywhere are falling in love with people from everywhere else. There is a world of romance happening out there and it is called the globalisation of love.”  Indeed, she has a point.

And while this point has been made in academic circles in a much more scholarly manner, such as in the book Love and Globalization: Transformations of Intimacy in the Contemporary World, what Ms. Williams does in her book is not intended to be scholarly – but is in the “lighter reading” category.  While I don’t agree with all of her characterizations and wish that she didn’t employ a heterosexually-focused analysis of glo-lo couples, I really appreciated the fact that she does address some often not-discussed and even taboo topics – the mother-in-law, the challenge of language barriers/confusions, sex (briefly) and religion. While this is not a book I would normally pick up, as it is more of a self-helpish kind of book, it has stuck with me in more ways that I imagined, in the form of initiating interesting and important reflection and conversation with my partner, M.  So, I thank Ms. Williams for that.  Wendy Williams’ new book, The Globalization of Love, came out earlier this year thanks to Jo Parfitt’s Summertime Publishing.

So, why talk about this glo-lo stuff here in slowly-by-slowly the blog? Well, I have been thinking a lot about the power of stories lately – and of course, this blog is all about stories from the cross-cultural road trip that is my relationship.  And, what Ms. Williams does best, perhaps, is collect stories from a range of “glo-lo” couples.  So far, I have written about Rumi on stories and from Elif Şafak on writing, about the power of childhood stories on becoming an adult writer- and have reflected some on the power of soldiers’ storytelling…but today we are moving on to something else altogether.

Cover of "Not Without My Daughter"

Given our current story theme here at Slowly-by-Slowly – let me talk about what spurred on the ongoing, interwoven and mighty mad stories that make up this blog’s raison d’etre. As M. likes to say in front of a crowd, “if it weren’t for me, there would be no blog.” Of course, this is true, but I cherish him for eons more than that. But it isn’t just my partner that spurred this on – it is the imperceptible in-between of being partners when each part comes from a different place, a different space – a different worldview – or culture.

Also, so much of the writing out there addresses relationships/marriages/partnerships involving differences in stark and stolid terms – it gets clunky, filled with stereotypes and black-and-white characterizations – usually all good or all bad. The movie “Not Without My Daughter,” for example, in which a woman marries an Iranian man, things go wrong, and has the option of divorce and leaving Iran without her daughter – well, this movie has dogged me in how perceive my relationship – without knowing anything about me, M. or Turkey, for that matter. I felt the need to add a different voice to the world, in the form of my blog, and maybe, just maybe, a book….someday. So, once again, thanks to Ms. Williams for her work on drawing light to a relatively new issue in need of much consideration!

The following are excerpts from an interesting interview with Wendy, who I have not yet had the opportunity to meet, in which she talks about her new book – and about the globalization of love. Thanks to Jo Parfitt for her permission to re-publish parts of this interview.

JP: Tell me about your book. What is it about? Can you describe it in just a few sentences?

WW: The Globalisation of Love is about the whirls and twirls, the quirks and perks, the frustrations and the fun of a multicultural relationship. The book is based on dozens of interviews with multicultural couples from around the world. It includes chapters on multicultural weddings, religion, race, food, language and children. It is both humorous and factual and I include personal anecdotes from my own experience in a multicultural family. There is a world of romance happening out there and it is all captured in The Globalisation of Love.

JP: Why did you write it?

WW: Three reasons. Firstly, globalisation has been the buzz word of the past 20 years, yet little attention is given to the most profound influence of globalisation, which is the effect it has on people. People from everywhere are falling in love with people from everywhere else. Secondly, multiculturalism is another term that is bandied about to describe some kind of pesky nuisance to society, yet multicultural couples and families are constantly increasing and becoming a social norm. Thirdly, multicultural couples, what I call GloLo couples, get a lot of negative attention, like they are all destined to fail. In fact, most GloLo couples describe their multicultural relationship and experience as enlightening, enriching and the most amazing journey to take through matrimonial life.

JP: What qualifies you to write this book?

WW: I grew up in a multicultural family – a British-Ukrainian-Canadian family. I have been married to an Austrian for 13 years and have been living and working internationally for 18 years. What really qualifies me to write the book however, is the ability to see humour in the challenges of a GloLo relationship.

JP: Why do you think your book needed to be written? What will it do for other people? How will it help? Did you have any competition?

WW: It needed to be written for two main reasons. Firstly, it is important to recognise that a multicultural relationship is inherently different than a monocultural relationship. Multicultural couples have all the issues that exist in monocultural relationships, as well as whatever colourful combination of culture, language, religion and ethnicity the couple bring into their marriage. Secondly, the book outlines the issues in a multicultural marriage, so it helps GloLo couples to identify hot spots in the relationship that are culturally based. I wanted other GloLo couples to know that they are not alone and that there is a funny side to a GloLo marriage.

Yes, there is competition. There are many wonderful books about multicultural dating and marriage however The Globalisation of Love is the first book that is deliberately written with humour and wit.

JP: Who do you think will read your book? What made you think that there was a market for it? If your book has been out for a while, what proof do you have that you were right?

WW: Multicultural GloLo couples, and their friends and family will be interested in and benefit from reading The Globalisation of Love. Almost every knows someone or is related to someone in a GloLo relationship, therefore the book has a broad appeal. It is a topic that is starting to receive more media attention on multicultural royal weddings and GloLo celebrities, so it is becoming very chic to have an international marriage.

JP: Now you have written this book, what has writing it done for you, your family, your self-esteem or your business?

WW: The most noticeable difference for me and my family is that since I finished writing the book, I now take weekends off!

JP: If you were to give advice to someone else who is thinking about writing a book, what would be your number one tip?

WW: Write about something that you are passionate about and like to talk about or read about all day long.

JP: And finally, how can people buy your book, in what formats, and what does it cost? Please include any links if you have them.

WW: The Globalisation of Love is available on Amazon and via www.expatbookshop.com for €19,99. An ebook will be available soon too.

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Karagöz puppets in Pansyland: M’lady and the puppets review Perking the Pansies: Jack and Liam Move to Turkey

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Cover of Perking the Pansies: Jack and Liam Move to Turkey (image thanks to Jack Scott and Summertime Publishing)

Earlier this month, I wrote about Elif Şafak, the Turkish author who in her brilliant talk on the politics of fiction also addressed the importance of sharing and feeling stories in ways that allow for the crossing of cultures and true connection. And it is in this spirit that I feel Jack Scott has written his new book, Perking the Pansies: Jack and Liam Move to Turkey. By sharing his experiences, Jack treats us to a window into an unexpected world – warts and wonders alike.

As a fellow chronicler of the navigation of relationships in Turkish and other settings, I was particularly interested in understanding how Jack and Liam worked as a couple to both adjust to and enjoy their new surround…and the book did not disappoint. Let it be known that by “surround,” I am referring to the fact that Jack and Liam are English men who have moved to Turkey – in the face of potential homophobia even in artistic Bodrum, the “Bohemian oasis” in Turkey.

But let me start at the beginning, as I was starting to meander around what Jack calls Pansyland and what Elif Şafak might refer to as another circle for exploration and wall-breaking. When I first stumbled upon Perking the pansies, the uproarious and ribald blog kept by Jack about his life with husband Liam in Bodrum, Turkey, I knew I had found a gem. Enthralled by his rat-a-tat-tat speed of witticism and truly lovely snark, I became one of his many devoted readers.

As a new blogger focused on writing about my Turkish-American cross-cultural marriage, I always found myself inspired by Jack’s observations – not to mention his dogged blogging. Although he does not know it, Jack has in many ways inspired me to keep going on my own project…and to be brave about saying what I see, speaking about how I feel and thinking on what it may and may not mean in life. When I first read Jack’s sample chapters and realized a book was on the way – I knew something wonderful this way was coming…and was thrilled at the prospect of adding something more interesting to my bedside table than the stack of dry, academic tomes I read for work on a daily basis.

As I read Jack’s book late into the first night I got my hands on the book, the puppets reading avidly along on my shoulders, I found streaks of my own experiences in Bodrum and other parts of Turkey – but with a wonderful new lens. Having spent time in Bodrum with a range of Turkish characters that I wish I had Jack’s skill to categorize so hysterically, I have also had the opportunity to observe the various expats Jack so perfectly categorizes with his wicked wit. In the book, Jack brings to life the VOMITs (Victims of Men in Turkey), the Bodrum Belles, the Semigreys, the Emiköys (expats living in ‘real’ Turkish villages) and the like. Through these archetypes, I could relate to Jack’s story in my own way – and in many ways this brought me some measure of peace by seeing that my interpretations of life in Bodrum were not out there on the gangplank, alone and wrong at their worst. I found that they were also sparkling at their best due to Jack’s portrayals. What is perhaps best about the characters in the book is what Jack models – that we all need to make fun of ourselves at times – and of the ridiculous around us – and while Jack does this brilliantly – this is not his only feat.

Having now read through the book twice, each time read non-stop, cover to cover, alternately laughing and crying, I am still struck by the engaging verve and jauntiness with which Jack writes. As a professor of statistics, I have yet to calculate the odds of (as Jack puts it) “two openly gay, recently ‘married’ middle aged, middle class men escaping the liberal sanctuary of anonymous London to relocate to a Muslim country” but for once, I am happy (no, thrilled) to put down my academic mantle and just enjoy Jack’s infectious verve, as my Granny would say! Speaking of infectious verve, this book is filled with fabulous Britishisms. Jack’s book has kept me busy explaining Cockney rhyming slang and the like to M. – not to mention the puppets that inhabit my head, especially that wicked trickster Karagöz who cannot stop adding “innit” (isn’t it) to the end of his sentences now, as in “Lor’ luv a duck! this book is right funny, innit?” or “Awright geeezzaa! you are an’ all uptight trouble and strife, Kenne, run up those apples and pears and leave me ter read dis book in peace, innit?”

But beyond the hilarity of the language which hurtles the story along at breakneck pace, there is a lot here. Let’s take the pure fact that this book documents the everyday realities of two gay men on a true adventure unlike one we hear about everyday in this globalized, adventure-is-constant-seeming world. Having watched friends and colleagues endlessly worry about, strategize around and bravely address the often merciless ravages of homophobia in American society (and particularly in American academe where one might perhaps least expect it), I loved reading about the forthright living of life out loud that Jack and Liam are doing in a most unexpected place. I am reminded of the poignant party scene where Jack and Liam show their wedding video – and melt all of the hearts in the room. Despite the challenges of living in a cold and drippy wintry expat village from, at times, hell, this was an illuminating and of course, heartwarming, moment. As Jack puts it, “at times I think we’re floundering around like idiots, but now and then I think we’re making a real difference.” I couldn’t agree more with the latter point.

Beyond the power of presence and the bravery of being out in Turkey – the wonder of Perking the Pansies is also in its stories. It is through the stories of the lovely Üzgün (and his eventual murder) and sweet baby Adalet (and her eventual adoption) that we get a sense of more of the depth of Jack and Liam’s experience in Turkey as expats – both in terms of the challenges of living life as out gay men – and of the joys of friendship and relationship in the face of navigating a new and sometimes truly confusing culture. It is, after all, through our relationships with different people that we find the truth that perhaps all expats seek, I would argue. And as Jack narrates the couple’s first year in Turkey, we can see the truth of their good and life-changing decision emerging. It leaves me wanting to hear more about what unfolds, and what is under the veil of these characters over time. Where will all of this lead Jack and Liam? Well, I am sure we will see. Let’s hope they don’t abscond for Bulgaria anytime soon.

As for the puppets, they are over by the Christmas tree, cheering mightily about the book – and riding our dog around the apartment as if he was an elephant during the Raj in India while they wait for their individual turn to read the book. Karagöz is leading the cheer – “give me a P” he screams – to which the puppets tumbled themselves up into the shape of a P (much to the chagrin of the dog). Esma continues on – “give me an A” she cried – so excited that jasmine blooms started shooting out of her ears (which only happens when she is in a state of true bliss). Tiryaki, the opium addict who usually nods his way through the day, in a rare moment of energy on an opium-free day calls out “yeah, man, give me an N, you know for nargile, like on the cover of the book, to smoke from.” Bebe Ruhi, the questioner with Dwarfism, not wanting to be left out, and always wanting to find an opportune moment for a question, said “yes, and give me an S, for so many stories to ask more about.” Since nobody is home to think I am crazy for talking to my imaginary puppet friends (um, are they?), I jump up and join the crew – “give me a Y” I yell happily, ” it’s PANSY time!”

QUOTES FROM THE PUPPETS ON PERKING THE PANSIES: All of the puppets are so excited about this book – but they are sharing one copy – so far – only five have read the book cover to cover on their own – and here is what they have to say…

Karagöz the irreverent puppet who loves to create chaos and is not very learned says: “I love the brash and real style that Jack embodies in his writing. I’m a simpleton, not much for books, but this one made me want to read a lot more! I love that Jack and Liam are out, loud and proud.”

Hacivad Bey the learned Sufi has this to say “Rumi teaches us to love – and to be lovers of the world. Jack opens his heart in this writing – and writes about the search for meaning in life through this new adventure. I applaud his work in this arena. As the Mevlana himself used to say, he never thought he was a poet until he met Shams of Tabriz, and then it flowed out of him. Looks like Jack has found his muse.”

Zenne, the nervous nellie, is transfixed, and has this to say about the book “Well, I was quite nervous to read the book, I worried, what if I don’t like it? I really want to like it. But I loved it – and it made me see that even if there is fear about doing something brave – like moving to a new country as a gay couple – that fear can be overcome in the face of fun, adventure and community-building. Where’s the Valium – I want adventure!”

Tiryaki, the opium addict cum surfer dude, has this to say: “Dude, these guys know how to have a good time – a rockin’ read I’d stay straight for.”

Esma, the little hippie puppet, has this to say “as a traveler and lover of life, I applaud what Jack and Liam have done – taken a stand for themselves, for their sanity, for their relationship. These men know what is important – and have fun along the way. They shared it with us, and this gives us inspiration on our own journey to truth through m’lady’s cross-cultural marriage. Here is cheers to the examined life!”

Bebe Ruhi, the incessant question-asker, only has this to say “what will happen next? I’m dying to know!”

Buy the book – an Amazon bestseller! Enjoy Pansyland!

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